The Whole Gospel is Outside of Us – Dawn From RealRealityZone Talks About Her Journey to Lutheranism Part II
Friday, November 20th, 2009
Here is Part II of Dawn’s Story.
At some point I came across a doctrine known as Christian Hedonism. Many people seem to find this doctrine wonderful and comforting. I did too at first. And then it became the most terrifying Law.
According to those who promote this teaching, how do you know you are saved? Because you love God. Because you find your satisfaction in God. Because you find your joy in God. If these things are not true of you, then you will not be saved. Period. Oh, of course we are saved by grace alone. But if God truly regenerates you then these things will be true of you.
Well, these things were not true of me. I desperately wanted them to be, but they weren’t. The fact was that I did not love God with my whole heart. Every time I sinned in thought, word or deed – by what I had done or what I had left undone – I did not love God with my whole heart. Worse, even the good things I did were tainted with evil motives. And worse still, the Christian Hedonism teaching had associated with it a pietistic form of Calvinism – which was also promoted by the systematic theology text a Reformed-leaning friend had given me – and I ended up wondering if I was one of those false believers who were predestined to go to hell.
So I found myself where I was at the beginning of this article – on the verge of utter despair. And then sometime in February 2008 I found the blog of Michael Spencer, the Internet Monk.
Michael Spencer is not your typical evangelical. Anyone who has read his blog knows this. His writing fascinated me. He said things about certain aspects of evangelicalism that I had thought in my heart but had been too afraid to say out loud for fear of being seen as heretical. And he pointed me to an article that would forever change my life.
The article was written by Dr. Rod Rosenbladt and it was called “Reclaiming the Doctrine of Justification.” The following paragraph from that article was mind-blowing for me at the time:
If the Christian is reading the Law and says, “This is not yet true of me: I don’t love God with all my heart, and I certainly don’t love my neighbor as I love myself. In fact, just today I failed to help a poor chap on the side of the road who was having car trouble. I must not yet be a Christian,” here the reformers would counsel, “You hurry back to the second use of the law and flee to Christ where sanctification is truly, completely, and perfectly located.” After this experience, the believer will feel a greater sense of freedom to obey, and it is the only way that one will ever feel free to obey.…The answer of the Higher Life movement to the struggling Christian is, “Surrender more,” or, ” What are you holding back from the Lord?” The Reformation answer is different.
Prior to this time I thought all Lutherans – and probably most Presbyterians and anyone who baptized infants – were unsaved liberals (and if any of them were saved it was in spite of their Lutheranism or Reformed ideas). Dr. Rosenbladt shattered this conception completely, as did the Reformed folks with him on the White Horse Inn radio program. I started listening to every episode of the White Horse Inn I could get my hands on. Some of the things that the folks on that program said shocked me. They criticized decision theology and revivalism. They criticized pietism. They criticized my view of the end times. They criticized the evangelical tendency to focus on self in worship. And they introduced me to the concept of the distinction between Law and Gospel. The continuing theme of that program is the Reformation concept of extra nos – “the whole Gospel is outside of us.”
What does this mean? The Gospel is not about my inner transformation or personal experience. It is not about what Christ is doing inside of me, but what Christ did FOR me. All I contribute to my salvation is my sin. I found that my Arminian concerns about “free will” and “making a decision” had fallen by the wayside in favor of what Scripture actually says about these things. We are dead in our trespasses and sins, and until God makes us alive and gives us faith we have no ability to believe. God does not save us because we make a decision to believe, but because of His grace in Christ. At that point I was well on my way to becoming Reformed. I was reading everything by Michael Horton that I could get my hands on. It was such a relief to know that I was not saved because of something I had done, but solely because of Christ’s mercy.
Yet there were certain things about Calvinism that I had a hard time reconciling with Scripture, chief among them the idea that Christ did not die for the sins of the whole world, but only for the elect. The “Five Points of Calvinism” are very logically coherent. However, I was not sure that some of them were entirely Biblical. I had a hard time with this despite the clever ways the Reformed tried to get around it. I remember realizing that if I accepted Limited Atonement I could not honestly say to someone, “Christ died for YOUR sins” – because it might not really be true.
By Pat K
Dawn,
I’ve been waiting to hear part two and it did not disappoint. Believe me when I say and I’m not exaggerating one iota; I could sign this part two with my name and it would be 100% my own journey. You speak the same internalized language I did, my wife could verify it for you.
Again a few select key quotes that literally bring back all those not so long ago memories (I KNOW what you are saying when you say them):
“Christian Hedonism… I did too at first. And then it became the most terrifying
Law”
Same thing, at first I thought “this is what I’m looking for” but then the “did I really love God that much” came about seeing I still so struggle with sin. Outwardly I had “strength” to make a good show of it, but I could detect my heart’s inward motives. The more good I did the more I could both feel my heart not “really into it”, it was forced per se. Couple that with election and believers only baptism and the hell of it all is soon to follow.
“Because you love God. Because you find your satisfaction in God. Because you find your joy in God… But if God truly regenerates you then these things will be true of you”
Dr. Rosenbladt, whom I had found via the WHI pulled me out of this hole once. It was during the apex of my utter despair when daily I’d given up hope that I was reborn truly, saved, converted, elect, predestined…I was literally daily fighting jumping off of a cliff so deep and dark was the despair. The only thing that staved me off was a hopeless last hope of, “Well if I am destine to reprobation, why rush off to the gallows”. At times though it seemed better to do that than not know. He quoted Lewis for me on this to show me it was all law. Something like this; “CS Lewis once said that there is a sure fire way to make someone not be joyful. That way? Tell them to be more joyful.” That hit home crystal clear for me and I saw the Law in it. Apply, later on for me, baptism per Luther and I PROMISE you that ever elusive joyfulness…then it comes…via the Gospel!
“and I ended up wondering if I was one of those false believers who were predestined to go to hell”
I lived in that state day and night, in agony every waking hour, literally, ever increasing from around my conversion time in 97 to somewhere around 04. That’s when I stumbled on to WHI and Dr. Rosenbladt. When I read my first book by Luther, his commentary on Galatians…I devoured it and thought…this is a different religion than I’d learned.
“on the verge of utter despair”
Utter, shear, total, undiluted and a ton of adjective of similar quality with “despair”!
“I had thought in my heart but had been too afraid to say out loud for fear of being seen as heretical”
I’ve always had a fondness for Michael Spencer for that very reason. He lives in the same state that I do, though we’ve never met formerly. I’m not sure what county he lives in now but I think we are relatively close by.
Anyway, you are the first person beside myself I’ve heard state that openly. Its that fear of “if I admit my struggles (seeing how no one else seems to and coupled with ‘I’ve had tons of ‘do’ advice’) then I would reveal that I’m really not born again, converted, saved, elect, predestined” It’s like, I think you’ll understand this, “I know what the result and answer will be and I just don’t think I can take it”. I found myself afraid to ask anymore about baptism or the Lord’s Supper for fear of either being seen as falling for heresy or getting more of the advice that was terrifying me. One of my former pastors when I asked, “How do you know you are a Christian, truly reborn and elect”, he said, “The sign is love”. THAT was like, “here let me help you”, and then they push you off of the cliff!
Where this hit me also was seeing the freeness of Luther because of the Gospel (Christian freedom), you are so afraid of the freedom and it being “well sure I’ll bet you would like the Gospel to be that good…what criminal wouldn’t” that you say to yourself, “THAT can’t be the Gospel”. At first Luther is looked at as suspiciously looking like, “Well he just caved in to his own desires…no wonder he says what he says”.
“Christ died for YOUR sins” – because it might not really be true”
That is where it goes. My closest Baptist friend and pastor, still, he and I use to get wrapped around the axle (and that is putting it lightly) of just how to present the Gospel because you didn’t want to make someone “falsely believe” that it might not be true for them. So you had to come up with some kind of deal closer that showed they did, but then ‘how could you be sure seeing anyone can fool anyone including themselves’. It was ironically my doing a lot of “evangelism” door to door per those doctrines and such that began to make me question my own salvation, rebirth, election or conversion. I thought quietly in my mind, “How do I know for myself…”. What’s sauce for goose is sauce for the gander as they say.
I’ve treasured reading your journey!
Yours truly,
Larry
Hi Larry,
“It’s that fear of “if I admit my struggles (seeing how no one else seems to and coupled with ‘I’ve had tons of ‘do’ advice’) then I would reveal that I’m really not born again, converted, saved, elect, predestined” It’s like, I think you’ll understand this, “I know what the result and answer will be and I just don’t think I can take it”.”
Bingo!
What would the answer have been if I had told someone straight out that I wasn’t sure whether I was saved? “Well, just make sure of your salvation by accepting Jesus into your heart again” or “really surrender your life to God.” The problem was that I had tried that so many times before and it didn’t work. I was afraid that the reason it didn’t work was because I had hardened my heart to the point where I was beyond repentance.
I would flat out lie to people when they asked me whether I was sure I was going to heaven, rather than admit any kind of doubt. Hearing as a nine- or ten-year-old child “If you’re not 100% sure that you’re saved, you’re probably not” (which is an exact quote) made me keep silent about my doubts for years and years.
When I finally did express my anxieties (in a somewhat indirect way), I was always referred either to my decision or my commitment or my works, the very fact that I was worried about my salvation, or how much I loved God/His Word/etc. But they could only see the outside of me. They couldn’t see the awfulness inside of me.
All this makes me wonder how many other people suffer in silence like we did, too afraid to say anything. On the outside they look like reasonably happy and contented Christians and on the inside they are on the verge of despair. For most of my life, “accepting Jesus as your personal Savior” or “making a commitment to Christ” WAS the Gospel. I knew nothing different. To reject this was to reject the Gospel. I figured the problem was with me, not with the theology, when in reality it was the opposite.
Blessings,
Dawn