I have been involved in a number of conversations recently concerning infant Baptism. This kind of thing is a never ending cycle on the internet and instead of rehashing everything on several different forums, I thought it might be helpful to put down in writing a defense of infant Baptism addressing several points that proponents of adult believer’s baptism bring up.

The two things that I hear most often are:

1. Baptism is an outward sign of an inward work or action. Its main purpose is as a testimony.

2. Infants can’t have faith and/or repent, therefore they cannot be baptized.

Many refutations of these two points often fail, not because they are not true, but because they resort to a kind of theological shorthand that leaves out several important distinctions and foundational assumptions and results in the two sides talking past each other.

Proponents of believers-only baptism usually argue from the Book of Acts and the Gospels, taking their cues from how they see baptism being used in the Scriptures.

This is correct insofar as it goes. However, in the view of those who champion infant baptism, it does not go far enough.

The Lutherans and other paedobaptists (those who baptize their infants) go further. They look to see what the scriptures say baptism is and does. This is a huge difference. Think about it for a moment.

Our believers-only baptism friends rightly point out that the majority of people people baptized in the Bible have believed and repented before they were baptized. (We would say that the believing centurion and the Philippian jailer probably had children that were baptized with the household.) This is then set in stone as it were, and considered to be the final word on the subject.

The Lutheran way is to ask “What is baptism and what does it do?” and consequently “Given what the scriptures say, how is it properly used and on whom is it used?”

Let’s take a quick tour of the pertinent passages and what they say.

Romans 6:3-5 Baptism into Christ’s death and burial with Him. Unites us to His death and resurrection.

Colossians 2:11-12 Putting off of the sinful nature by the circumcision done by Christ through baptism.

Ephesian 5:26 What else is a “washing with water through word” but baptism?

1 Peter 3:21 Baptism now saves us… Cut it any way you like, but baptism somehow saves.

Because this is what the scriptures say baptism is, then how then is it properly used?

Matthew 28:18-29 Make disciples by baptizing and teaching. (We baptize our infants into teaching and teach adults into baptism.)

See the various instances in the Book of Acts. Note especially the Philippian Jailer (Acts 16:33) whose whole household was baptized.

This is what baptism is and what it does. The crux of the paedobaptist arguments lie primarily in the substance of baptism as scripture defines it, and only secondarily in the examples of its application we see in the Book of Acts. That is why we so often are talking past each other.

So then if baptism joins us to Christ, what about our children, how do we bring them to Jesus? Is it proper to do so?

Mark 10:13-16 Jesus rebukes the disciples who were preventing parents from bringing their infants to Him.

Baptism is the way we bring our children to Him. The New Testament says nothing about infant dedication. Neither does the early Church.

The Scriptures never speak of baptism as a testimony to others. The Ethiopian eunuch and the Philippian jailer and his household were in situations in which there weren’t many witnesses to testify. The scriptures also never speak of baptism as an outward sign of an inward work.

It seems a bit ironic to us that groups that assign to baptism a symbolic or signatory value often become hyper-literal concerning the mode of baptism. So baptism is for them an outward sign of an inward work, and a testimony to others about your relationship with the Lord, but unless you are entirely immersed in the water the baptism is not valid. If the water does nothing, then why is it important to immerse rather than sprinkle?

The second objection we often hear is “Infants can’t have faith and/or repent, therefore they cannot be baptized.”

This second objection makes ‘understanding’ as we define it the one necessary work on our part to be saved. If they are unable to comprehend then the Lord is incapable of granting that infant (or mentally handicapped adult for that matter) the gift of faith.

Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us that faith is a gift given by the Lord. We are loathe to say that the Lord cannot do something; especially when it comes to granting someone saving faith. You end up with a situation in which God is unable to communicate with some part of His creation.

In the book of Jonah, God commands a fish and a vine to do his bidding. In Genesis 9:5 there is that strange passage where the Lord says he will demand an accounting for our lifeblood from every animal that kills a human. So God will hold animals morally accountable for killing humans. There seem to be a lot of things going on behind the scenes between God and His creation that we are not privy to. If He can communicate with fish and vines and hold animals accountable for killing us, I think He is capable of granting the gift of faith to my children through the appointed means of baptism. It is His action towards us.

When someone is baptized, it is not the Pastor that buries someone into the death of Christ and raises them to new life in Christ, but God Himself makes the baptism efficacious. I brought my children to the baptismal font so that they could be buried in Christ’s death and raised to new life in Him. I am confident that God is faithful to His word.

So here, briefly, I have summed up a couple of quick points that I hope will shed some light on why those of us who baptize our children believe that it is scriptural and right. For those interested in a deeper discussion, you can click on the links below for further resources.

Scriptural Baptism by Uuraas Saarnivaara – A very thorough treatment of the subject.

Did My Baptism Count? – Luther on the subject of re-baptism.

The Baptism of Your Child – A great resource for families who are going to baptize their baby. Well put together and informative.

Luke 1:39-45, 56

Now at this time Mary arose and went in a hurry to the hill country, to a city of Judah, and entered the house of Zacharias and greeted Elizabeth. When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. And she cried out with a loud voice and said, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! And how has it happened to me, that the mother of my Lord would come to me? For behold, when the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby leaped in my womb for joy. And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord.”

And Mary stayed with her about three months, and then returned to her home.

As we go through the season of Advent, I relish the words we get to hear in church every year, praying for the grace of God – that He send us our Deliverer, our Redeemer, our Captain in the fight come to win the battle that we can not.

Our prayers are not in vain. God remembered His promises. He remembered His promise to Abraham. He remembered the words He spoke to Adam and Eve in the garden. And the One who would come to die for the sins of the world would soon dwell among men. The promise would very soon be fulfilled. Hallelujah!

I simply LOVE the joy of this time of year. As the years have worn on, it has become clearer and clearer to me that the joy surrounding Christmas and all that we celebrate throughout the season is truly a foretaste of the Feast to come.

“But for you who fear my name, the sun of righteousness shall rise with healing in its wings. You shall go out leaping like calves from the stall.” Malachi 4:2

When Scripture speaks of arriving in heaven like a calf leaping happily out of a stall, it is that joy of which is spoken, even if what we experience right now is only the merest shadow of an inkling of what is to come.

Psalm 85

O LORD, You showed favor to Your land;
You restored the captivity of Jacob.

You forgave the iniquity of Your people;
You covered all their sin. Selah.

You withdrew all Your fury;
You turned away from Your burning anger.

Restore us, O God of our salvation,
And cause Your indignation toward us to cease.

Will You be angry with us forever?
Will You prolong Your anger to all generations?

Will You not Yourself revive us again,
That Your people may rejoice in You?

Show us Your lovingkindness, O LORD,
And grant us Your salvation.

I will hear what God the LORD will say;
For He will speak peace to His people, to His godly ones;
But let them not turn back to folly.

Surely His salvation is near to those who fear Him,
That glory may dwell in our land.

Lovingkindness and truth have met together;
Righteousness and peace have kissed each other.

Truth springs from the earth,
And righteousness looks down from heaven.

Indeed, the LORD will give what is good,
And our land will yield its produce.

Righteousness will go before Him
And will make His footsteps into a way.

Come Lord Jesus! Amen! Amen!

For the remainder of December we are holding a 20% Off Sale on all printed material, CDs and DVDs. Many of these items will be discontinued from our catalog in the New Year, and when we sell out we will not be restocking them.

This is a great time to pick up any of the devotional books we carry; they make great gifts. Check them out here.

Music and audio CDs are also sought after gifts. Look at these deals.

We have a final few copies of the DVD ‘Singing the Faith’ the magnificent story of the History of Lutheran Hymnody and it’s impact on the church and the world. Be sure to watch the video clip, you don’t want to miss it.

As I said, many of these items will not be returning to our catalog so take advantage of the sale while you can.

For the past couple of weeks we have been enjoying Dawn’s guest post on her journey into Lutheranism.  Check out Part I and Part II in the archives.  Here is the third and final part.

Part 3

After I had been listening to the White Horse Inn for a while, I read on Kim Riddlebarger’s blog about the cancellation of the Lutheran radio program Issues, Etc. and the fact that the program was going to come back on the air. So I resolved to start listening when they started up again, even if I was a bit skeptical at first. I found Lutheran theology to be remarkably comforting and their view on the extent of the Atonement to be much more in line with what Scripture actually taught. But the one thing that was a real stumbling block for me was the idea of baptismal regeneration. It seemed too much like adding a work to salvation. I remember thinking, “I don’t think I could ever believe THAT. It would be way too much of a stretch.”

So I started listening, and as I said, I was skeptical at first. But after weeks of listening to Pastor Wilken and his guests, I became much less skeptical. Through Issues, Etc. I found other radio shows such as Fighting for the Faith, The God Whisperers and Table Talk Radio. Somehow I discovered an online forum called the Wittenberg Trail where I could ask questions about what Lutherans believed and how that fit in with the Scriptures.

From all of these things I came to realize this – confessional Lutherans were literally the most Christ-centered people around. They always pointed me to Christ and not to myself. I came to understand that Baptism was Gospel and not Law. That the idea of Baptism as an “outward sign of an inward commitment” was something foreign to the Scriptures and a relatively recent innovation in church history. Baptism was not just water – it was water combined with the Word of Christ. If faith comes by hearing, and hearing through the Word of Christ, it was not that big of a stretch to believe that that Word could work through physical means appointed by Christ.

When I read passages about Baptism in this light, everything started to fall into place. Most crucial was Romans 6:1-4:

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

I had been baptized years before when I was barely out of my teens. I had no idea what my baptism meant at the time. I thought it was all about my obedience and commitment. But all the Scriptures that talk about what Baptism means talk about it as being God’s work, not our work. God had objectively, through external means, put His name – the name of the Triune God – upon me in Baptism.

It was around September 2008 that I realized, “I think I’m becoming a Lutheran.” But I was still attending an evangelical church. It happened that after Christmas was over I decided to visit an LCMS church in my area. It was the closest of three that had been recommended to me by a pastor on the Wittenberg Trail.

I can’t really say “I didn’t know what to expect” because I did. All those months of listening to Issues, Etc and all the other Lutheran podcasts – as well as using the Treasury of Daily Prayer for a month or so beforehand! – had taught me exactly what to expect, though not being used to liturgical worship I found myself fumbling around to figure out where I was in several parts of the service.

I found myself very emotionally moved, in particular, by corporate confession and absolution. Why? Because finally, there was open, public honesty. No coming before God and others pretending to have it all together, like I did on so many Sundays before that. I was coming to God with only my sin because it was all I had to offer Him. I was publicly admitting – in church! – along with a hundred or so other people, that I had not loved God with my whole heart, that I justly deserved His punishment and that all I could do was plead for mercy.

And for the first time I heard those wonderful words, “I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”

The whole service was saturated in Scripture from beginning to end. From beginning to end everything pointed to Christ –for me – and not to what was happening inside of me.

I had the opportunity to speak briefly with the pastor at the end of the service. I told him that I was an evangelical who had discovered Lutheranism on the Internet through such programs as Issues, Etc, that I was VERY interested in Lutheranism and that I had wanted to see it for myself. I remember him asking me, “Was it what you expected?”

And my answer was a somewhat wide-eyed “Yes.”

I started attending Bible study every Sunday at this church, though it was a few more months before I started attending services there exclusively. I continued to learn and grow in my understanding of the faith. But I knew I was finally home.

In Lutheranism there is no more wondering if I am sincere enough. No more wondering whether I really believe. No more wondering how God really sees me. I know that my salvation was and is entirely His work. He put His name on me in Baptism, and He sustains my faith through the hearing of His Word and the receiving of His Sacraments.

I dare not trust in anything inside of myself. Instead, I look entirely outside of myself to Christ alone – who was born for me, lived a perfect and sinless life for me, died for me, and was raised to life again for me.

Even for me.

Be sure to visit Dawn’s blog at RealRealityZone. We have really enjoyed her series of posts and look forward to hearing more from her in the future.

For the past several months, a number of you have tried unsuccessfully to place an order with us. We finally found the problem and fixed it, thanks to some help received from some determined customers.

If you have attempted to place an order and couldn’t make it go through, you will be receiving an email from us addressing the issue.  Keep a look out for it(and check your spam filters just in case.)  We want an opportunity to make it right. The email will give you all the details.  If by chance you tried to place an order and were unsuccessful and you don’t receive our email, please contact us, we would like to extend the offer to you also.

In Christ,

Pat K

A recent post on Internetmonk.com dealt with Eugene Peterson and his book ‘Working the Angles: The Shape of  Pastoral Integrity.’ This book and a couple others, The Contemplative Pastor, and Five Smooth Stones, have been integral in shaping my view of the Pastoral Office and Christian spirituality in general.  I know several pastors whose careers and ministries were literally  saved by reading these books.

I really try not to be a drooling fanboy, but it is hard to avoid in this case.   He is the rare individual that combines deep pastoral experience and an  intimate and overwhelming knowledge of God’s Word( he translated the entire Bible from the original languages) with a focus and clarity of vision that borders on the prophetic.

It also doesn’t hurt that he was raised in a tiny town in extreme Northwestern Montana, just ten miles or so south of an even tinier town that I grew up in.  Living in that rugged country no doubt contributed to Pastor Peterson’s no BS perspective on things.

There are too few voices like his in the Church today.

Anyway, in the comment thread to that post several links were posted that are simply fantastic resources for those who are interested in what Peterson has to say.

The first one is to a google search page with all sorts of video clips of Pastor Peterson speaking on various subjects.  What  a treasure trove. Click here for the link. These are all free video clips.

The next on is the resource page for Regent College Bookstore where Dr. Peterson was a professor for many years.  There is a lot of stuff here that I never new existed, and some of it is probably videotaped lectures from his classes. Click here for the link.

There is a lot of really good stuff in both places.  We hope you find it helpful.

Here is Part II of Dawn’s Story.

At some point I came across a doctrine known as Christian Hedonism. Many people seem to find this doctrine wonderful and comforting. I did too at first. And then it became the most terrifying Law.

According to those who promote this teaching, how do you know you are saved? Because you love God. Because you find your satisfaction in God. Because you find your joy in God. If these things are not true of you, then you will not be saved. Period. Oh, of course we are saved by grace alone. But if God truly regenerates you then these things will be true of you.

Well, these things were not true of me. I desperately wanted them to be, but they weren’t. The fact was that I did not love God with my whole heart. Every time I sinned in thought, word or deed – by what I had done or what I had left undone – I did not love God with my whole heart. Worse, even the good things I did were tainted with evil motives. And worse still, the Christian Hedonism teaching had associated with it a pietistic form of Calvinism – which was also promoted by the systematic theology text a Reformed-leaning friend had given me – and I ended up wondering if I was one of those false believers who were predestined to go to hell.

So I found myself where I was at the beginning of this article – on the verge of utter despair. And then sometime in February 2008 I found the blog of Michael Spencer, the Internet Monk.

Michael Spencer is not your typical evangelical. Anyone who has read his blog knows this. His writing fascinated me. He said things about certain aspects of evangelicalism that I had thought in my heart but had been too afraid to say out loud for fear of being seen as heretical. And he pointed me to an article that would forever change my life.

The article was written by Dr. Rod Rosenbladt and it was called “Reclaiming the Doctrine of Justification.” The following paragraph from that article was mind-blowing for me at the time:

If the Christian is reading the Law and says, “This is not yet true of me: I don’t love God with all my heart, and I certainly don’t love my neighbor as I love myself. In fact, just today I failed to help a poor chap on the side of the road who was having car trouble. I must not yet be a Christian,” here the reformers would counsel, “You hurry back to the second use of the law and flee to Christ where sanctification is truly, completely, and perfectly located.” After this experience, the believer will feel a greater sense of freedom to obey, and it is the only way that one will ever feel free to obey.…The answer of the Higher Life movement to the struggling Christian is, “Surrender more,” or, ” What are you holding back from the Lord?” The Reformation answer is different.

Prior to this time I thought all Lutherans – and probably most Presbyterians and anyone who baptized infants – were unsaved liberals (and if any of them were saved it was in spite of their Lutheranism or Reformed ideas). Dr. Rosenbladt shattered this conception completely, as did the Reformed folks with him on the White Horse Inn radio program. I started listening to every episode of the White Horse Inn I could get my hands on. Some of the things that the folks on that program said shocked me. They criticized decision theology and revivalism. They criticized pietism. They criticized my view of the end times. They criticized the evangelical tendency to focus on self in worship. And they introduced me to the concept of the distinction between Law and Gospel. The continuing theme of that program is the Reformation concept of extra nos – “the whole Gospel is outside of us.”

What does this mean? The Gospel is not about my inner transformation or personal experience. It is not about what Christ is doing inside of me, but what Christ did FOR me. All I contribute to my salvation is my sin. I found that my Arminian concerns about “free will” and “making a decision” had fallen by the wayside in favor of what Scripture actually says about these things. We are dead in our trespasses and sins, and until God makes us alive and gives us faith we have no ability to believe. God does not save us because we make a decision to believe, but because of His grace in Christ. At that point I was well on my way to becoming Reformed. I was reading everything by Michael Horton that I could get my hands on. It was such a relief to know that I was not saved because of something I had done, but solely because of Christ’s mercy.

Yet there were certain things about Calvinism that I had a hard time reconciling with Scripture, chief among them the idea that Christ did not die for the sins of the whole world, but only for the elect. The “Five Points of Calvinism” are very logically coherent. However, I was not sure that some of them were entirely Biblical. I had a hard time with this despite the clever ways the Reformed tried to get around it. I remember realizing that if I accepted Limited Atonement I could not honestly say to someone, “Christ died for YOUR sins” – because it might not really be true.

In some quarters there has been a questioning of the value of the entire Christian apologetic enterprise. Some of our Lutheran brothers view it as an attempt to reason people into the faith. Others question its usefulness on a cultural level. Are people even concerned with the truthfulness of the claims of Christianity anymore?

This past October, Zion Lutheran Church in Tomball, Texas invited two of the most eminently qualified individuals in the field of Apologetics to address the 2009 Apologetics Symposium. Dr. Rod Rosenbladt and Mr. Craig Parton, Esq. gave a series of lectures that were said by a number of attendees to be the best presentations on the subject they had ever heard. One gentleman told us that he has been studying the defense of the Christian faith for twenty years and these were the clearest and most powerful he had ever listened to.

In Mr. Parton’s opening lecture he makes a devastating point. We catechize our children in the Scriptures and Confessions and then ship them off to college. Once there, they are confronted with ’scholarship’ and objections that seem to debunk their faith. These objections are old and well-known in some quarters, and ably answered. But our college age confirmands aren’t taught even basic answers to these questions, then we wonder why upwards of 90% of our young people walk away from the faith.

That point right there is enough to justify the whole field of Apologetics in my book. Furthermore, the onslaught of the new atheists has rocked the faith of many believers who have been fed a diet of ‘How God can make your life better?’ sermons.

This is important stuff. In light of that, we are giving away the first two lectures of this series and the bibliography for free. Download them here.

The remaining four lectures and the Q and A session are priced as a package at an economical price. This is simply some outstanding scholarship.

This series lays the ground work for a clear and concise defense of the truth of the Scriptures and the claims of Christ. The standard objections to the Faith are quite simply devastated, and the listener is pointed to additional resources to augment further study.

Feel free to download the first two introductory lectures in the series and share them with friends or family. Burn copies and pass them out to anyone interested. They are excellently suited for personal or small group studies, or to use in Sunday school.

We are excited to be able to carry these presentations and hope they are of benefit to you in contending for the faith once delivered to the saints.

NRP has been following the development of a new and independent Lutheran graduate school and Seminary.  This past week we were given the green light to share what we know with the public.

The new School is called the Wittenberg Institute and is located outside of Seattle, Washington.  They are now accepting applications for the Fall 2010 semester.   Admission is highly competitive. There will only be twenty slots open for the fall semester.

What makes this school so special? Why only twenty openings?

How about:

Free Tuition.

Free Room and Board.

Book Stipend.

Classes based on the English seminar model.  You do the reading and research then meet with your prof in various formal and informal venues to discuss the subject at hand.

Super-low student to teacher ratio with an emphasis more along the lines of a mentoring relationship.

A rotating roster of visiting professors.

Some of those who are on deck to teach are:

Dr. James Nestingen

Dr. Rod Rosenbladt

Dr. Jeff Mallinson

Dr. Korey Maas

In addition to these brilliant men, Wittenberg Institute is engaged in talks with other world-class Reformation Scholars and theologians to become Fellows of the Institute and to teach there. (If you could see the list of names I am looking at, you would be super-excited too.  WI is waiting for the final OK from these guys before they go public with all the names.)

How does this work?

The Wittenberg Institute is supported by a Consortium of congregations from across the Lutheran synodical spectrum. ELCA, LCMS, ELS and WELS congregations that are faithful to God’s word and to the Lutheran Confessions.  At a time when many congregations are weary of denominational agendas being pushed through their respective educational institutions, the Wittenberg Institute offers an education steeped in the Scriptures and the Confessions that is independent of synodical political agendas and remains true to their Reformation Heritage. These congregations have access to all the resources of the Wittenberg Institute for continuing education, fellowship and networking. All publications and research done by the Think Tank attached to the Institute are made available to Consortium congregations.

What really sets this institution apart is its ethos. Here is an excerpt from their website.

“The goal is to create an “iron sharpening iron” opportunity for students and faculty. Faculty will determine subject material and guide conversation. Students will then take the information and the insight of the other students to hone the ideas studied. Students will not be asked to merely read and regurgitate. At the Wittenberg institute they will be asked to read and formulate. Formulate would mean that the ideas learned are converted into thoughts that the students can preach, teach, and defend. This happens best through the dialog that would occur in a small body of students dedicated to furthering their knowledge of the Word and the theology contained therein.

By being exposed to others who share the passion for God’s Word and the preaching and teaching of the Gospel the “iron” will be sharpened. In order for this to occur it will be necessary to provide opportunities not just for study, but also for true friendship. Only when the beer flows and the fishing line flies will the true conversations occur. Theology is not only worked out in classrooms or in studies. Theology is developed during late nights around a table, around backyard fires with friends, and while talking and casting the fly into the river. At the Wittenberg institute, the classroom will not be a border meant to keep students in. When confined to classrooms, students begin to believe that classrooms are important, not what is learned within. How do you teach a student the urgency of the gospel? You teach them to hone their skills with one another not only in the classroom, but also among the people.”

This is an amazing opportunity, one of which I wish I could avail myself. If you are interested in applying for admission, or if your congregation would be interested in becoming part of the Wittenberg Institute Consortium, contact the Institute here. Prospective students can request the WI catalog as a downloadable PDF file.

Several weeks ago we tweeted a link to a blog post entitled ‘7 Reasons Why Lutherans Shouldn’t Jump on the Contemporary Worship Bandwagon’ written by Dawn K. on her blog RealRealityZone. It was a very insightful post, and after reading more on her blog I discovered she was a relatively new convert to Lutheran Christianity.   She writes well, and we wanted to hear more of her story, so we invited her to guest blog for us.  Here is the first of three posts tracing her journey into the Lutheran Church.

Somewhere near the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008 I was quietly standing on the verge of utter despair.

At that point I really feared that Christ’s terrifying words “Depart from me, I never knew you” might be for me. And there was nothing I could do about it. I was a Christian, but a poor excuse for a Christian. I looked at my life and everything I did was tainted with sin. Even the best works I did were tainted with sin. My heart was desperately wicked and I did not love God with all my heart. And worst of all, there was something inside me that hated God, that had contempt for Him. How could I possibly be saved?

Maybe I was fooling myself about being a Christian. The lives of true Christians kept getting better and better, and I felt as though mine was getting worse and worse. My “growth in holiness” and in love for God was supposed to assure me that I really was a child of God. But I did not see this. All I saw was sin. And I despaired that the salvation offered in Christ was really for me. Salvation was for people who really believed. And I was not sure I really believed. How could I be a true believer when I continued to sin and sin and sin and abuse the grace of God? How could I be a true believer if everything within me is sin?

* * *

It’s hard to summarize my spiritual life. I still struggle to make sense of it all. But I can say this: when I discovered the Reformation, my eyes stopped looking at myself and my faith and my sincerity, and raised to look at Christ alone. I finally understood that Christ’s death on the cross was really, truly for me, after years and years and years of struggling to find assurance of salvation.

I grew up in American evangelicalism of a moderately fundamentalist stripe. The church I grew up in instilled in me the importance of God’s Word. They emphasized that Jesus died on the cross for all our sins, that good works could not save us and that we were saved through faith alone.

This sounds great on paper. The problem was that the way faith was defined it became a work. My church taught decision theology – being born again meant praying the “sinner’s prayer” to accept Jesus into your heart and committing your life to Him. If you prayed that prayer and meant it, then you were a child of God – born again. Your life would be radically transformed and you could be certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were going to heaven.

I probably don’t have to tell you that it didn’t quite work that way. At least not for me.

According to my mother, I first “prayed the prayer” when I was six years old. The problem was that even a few years later I had no memory of the event. And no matter how many times I tried to “make sure of my salvation” by praying the prayer again or recommitting my life to God, I was in doubt as to whether I really meant it or was really sincere.

No matter where I was taught to look for assurance of salvation – be it by family members or people at my church or later, Bible teachers on the Internet – I was always taught to look inside myself. The decision theology I grew up with taught me to look at my sincere free will decision. Later I read various Bible teachers who repudiated decision theology but instead taught me to look to my works and my growth in holiness to determine whether or not I was really saved.

Well-meaning folks at my church said that if only one would surrender everything in one’s life to God like they had, one would have peace and joy and freedom from doubt, just like them. My problem was that I felt powerless to surrender in this way. I did not have this power. There was something inside me, even as a Christian, that would not submit to God’s Law, not even for a second, no matter how committed I tried to be. I hated it, because I wanted desperately to please the God that I loved. But there was always sin in my life that would not go away.

Somewhere down the line I discovered what can only be called a form of Christian mysticism. It had to do with “listening to what God is saying to you personally,” or “listening to God’s still small voice speaking to your heart.” I came to believe that God regularly spoke directly to my heart. And how could I not be a true Christian if God was working so powerfully in my life in this way? Yet I always wondered whether what I was hearing was really God, or just my own heart.

The only time I had any real peace was when I looked outside of myself to Christ. My favorite hymns were the ones that pointed to Christ alone. But in evangelicalism, these things were so often overshadowed by the hymns and praise songs and teaching that pointed me to myself – to my feelings, to my obedience, to my acts of worship, to my commitment.